What is ED

Today marks the start of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2017. Being that I have struggled myself with one of these deadly illnesses, this week is very important to me. But I believe that this week is not just important to those of us who have been fighting the disorder. I believe that everyone should be educated on the symptoms and causes of these diseases, along with ways to assist those who are struggling.

In today's society weight, shape and food are talked about non stop. Billboards of models and advertisements for the latest diets flood the media. With this societal obsession with the body, no wonder so many Americans have eating disorders or disordered eating.

Instead of detailing what an eating disorder is and telling you all the information, I urge all of you too go to NEDA's website (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/) and learn more for yourself. And don't forget to do the free screening or encourage a loved one to get screened.

To conclude today's post I will leave you with a poem I wrote while in treatment December 2016:

What is ED

“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “a suffix, a suffix meaning something occurred in the past.”
This occurred in the past.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “an abbreviation for an eating disorder, the voices in my head.”
This occurred five years ago.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “why I don’t eat lunch and fear the doctor”
This occurred four years ago.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “the reason why I had to miss out on so much life.”
This occurred three years ago.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “an old problem in the past.”
This occurred two years ago.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “my chance to become stronger, my outlet to near death.”
This occurred one year ago.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “sitting in groups while a tube in my nose pushes food into my stomach.”
This is occurring.
“What is ED?” he asks.
She says “I can’t answer, for I don’t know when I can call ED, a thing of the past.”

Finding Friendship

Throughout our lives we all make and break many friendships. Our peer group in school constantly changes and as we age we grow in and out of  many relationships. This natural ebb and flow of friendships, is due to our ever changing maturity, interests and development. The coveted title of "best friend" also changes as we grow closer to some and further from others.

Growing up, I thought I had a decent amount of friends and a lot of acquaintance (Most school aged kids have a lot of acquaintances, considering they are bunched together with a similar age cohort for a good 7 hours a day). As I changed schools and promoted grades, my friend group slowly shifted. And by the end of high school, remnants of my younger friend groups could be seen in every faction of the student body. Our once close-knit group had split into jocks, popular girls, nerds, geeks and every other stereotypical high school group under the moon.

As I reflect on the friendships I once had, that ended for whatever reason (fights, growing up or just moving on), I notice that most of my relationships remained fairly superficial. I thought I had lots of friends and even multiple "best friends," but in hindsight I might not have had a real friendship. This is not to say I didn't laugh and play and interact with others, but I never had a true friend. 

Friends are more than the action of hanging out or texting. And friends are more than sharing and memories. A true friendship has a few key parts, parts that I only now can find in one of my most mature friendships. The following are the four key factors to a real, genuine friendship:

1.  Friendships are balanced: they are relationships in which both sides contribute an equal amount of give and take.
2. Friendships are not time or distance limited: a true friendship will run smoothly whether you are hanging out in person every day or whether you can only call each other once a month. Either way, you will be able to pick up right where you left off and connect just the same.
3. Friendships are deep: friends can talk about the hardest struggles in there lives and know that the other person is there for support. They do not release there baggage on one another, but instead ask for support about the issues they most need help with. Friends are the shoulder to lean on and the place to vent.
4. Friendship is focused: a good pair of friends can talk forever. They always have something to say and are wholly engaged in the other person when they spend time together.

I realized, looking back on and even observing many of my current relationships, that I was lacking one or more of these traits in my friendships. This is okay, because like we said earlier, friendships are always changing. Whether it is the person or the way we interact, there will always be more opportunities to set up a real friendship.

For me, looking back and realizing I didn't have very many close friendships, didn't discourage me, but instead, inspired me to find more meaningful relationships. And now I can honestly say I have a friend, a true friend.

Wasting Lemons

We are all familiar with the famous proverb, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." As simple as it sounds, this task is actually quite difficult. Throughout our lives we are all given many gifts (lemons) by the people and circumstances we encounter. The only problem, is people rarely announce that they are giving us a gift (lemon), but instead just drop it on us. As any athlete or person who has been exposed to pressure knows, when something is abruptly handed off to you, it is anxiety provoking and causes an instinctual response to do something with it, equally as fast. In this rush to do something with this gift (lemon) we often overlook or are too impatient to make lemonade.

We all waste lemons. I know for me, that I have wasted too many lemons to count in my life. Whether it be because I was caught up in the haste of doing something with the gift (lemon) or because I simply overlooked the importance of the lemon I was given, I have wasted innumerable amounts of tart fruit.

Some of the biggest examples of lemons wasted, for me, are lemons I wasted while caught up in my head. I had so much going for me in my teenage years, yet I let almost all my lemons rot. I didn't seem to appreciate the gravity of those fruits and thus let them waste away. As I look back now, I remissness on all the paths I could have taken and all the places I could be today, had I used those lemons and made myself some lemonade.

I think the big take away from this proverb and this post, is that we are all given lemons, and we all let some or most of them decay. It is important to be aware that life is always giving us little gifts, so that we have a better chance of actually making something out of one of them. If we are on the lookout for these small gems of hope, than it is easier to stay composed when one falls into our hands. As always, it is most important to learn from our past mistakes. This said, it is also important to remember that we all waste some lemons. If we get too caught up on what could have been, or how we wasted one of our lemons, we will most likely miss or misuse another.

At the end of the day, life is not about the chances we had or the things we could have been, but about who we are and how we persevered to get there.

I choose a Yellow Rose for our blossom today.
 It symbolizes all the lemons out there waiting for us!

The Good Girl's Bad Girl

As we all know, a lot of times in life objects, people, actions and events are labeled. They are labeled as either "bad" or "good." This subjective system of measuring has imprinted upon us the rights and wrongs of society. We strive to be good because that is right. We avoid being bad because that is wrong. But my question to you and to all of society, is: are we all really this black and white? Are some of us all good, while others are purely bad?  It is so hard to categorize and accurately label people, yet that is all our society does.

So, if I had to measure all of us on this scale of good or bad, I would plot us all in both sectors. I believe that we all are both. We all have some good in our actions, personalities and behaviors, but we also all embody some inherently amiss qualities.

Here is a short poem I wrote about how deceiving some of us seemingly "good girls" can be. From what I have been told by those around me, I could definitely be classified by society as a "good girl." That said, I don't feel as though I always make the best decisions and do purely good actions.

My life is all rainbows and butterflies

Pleasing others, getting straight A's

Starving all day and cutting my thighs

Stuck in my head, wasting my days

A happy facade, smile on face

Plain white girl with a picket white life

But also stuck in my demon's embrace

Nobody would know the terrible strife

Stuck in my problems, lying and deceiving

Dishonest with others to let my secrets grow

Got them all fooled, buying and believing

Think they understand me, but little do they know

The good girl they know has got a bad girl inside

Everyone has problems they are trying to hide